Apology

Excerpts from: Three Apologies, part two of a three part series.

(More like a five minute read)

The Legacy of a Proper Apology

The more that people feel compelled to take the time to be accountable and remorseful for their mistakes through a proper, effective apology, the more conscientious and considerate they become, thereby making less egregious mistakes which require such apologies. A good apology does the body good and has a lasting social and personal impact. When we can find the humility to apologize, we free ourselves into the comforting arms of forgiveness.

The following apology example comes from a story I heard more than once: parental figures walking away from their families during the pandemic. During lockdowns, people lost touch with the communities that helped keep them grounded, eased anxieties, and abated episodes of depression. As a result, some people behaved in uncharacteristic or impulsive ways that had devastating repercussions and left shattered families in their wake. Faced with their own mortality, many were called to question if the commitments they made in relationships pre-COVID days were still the commitments they were willing to make post-COVID days; for some, it was not. Instead of having the respect to end those relationships gracefully through direct communication, many chose the exit strategy of the magician: throw a gauntlet ball of fire onto the ground and vanish before the smoke clears—in other words: ghosting. Merriam Webster defines ghosting as “The act or practice of abruptly cutting off all contact with someone usually without explanation by no longer accepting or responding to phone calls, instant messages, etc.”

The more harm we caused, the more detail may be necessary in our apology. For those of us who want an apology but don’t expect to get one (because we doubt the person who caused the harm would ever be able to humble themselves enough to apologize) we may decide to write an apology from that person to ourselves, in as much detail as is necessary to acknowledge and heal the hurt that was caused. In being specific, we can find empathy and understanding for why someone behaved in such a hurtful way, which helps to heal all concerned.

“Dear Child,

(Name it) After being in a committed relationship with you from the day you were born, I left your life with no explanation or opportunity for closure.

(Claim it) I exploded in anger, ignored you when you reached out to me, and refused to apologize for my behavior. I was wrong to exit your life in this way. If I wanted out of the commitment I made, I could have mustered the courage to have that difficult conversation with you directly from a place of love, compassion, and grace for all concerned.

(Shame it) I’m sorry. I recognize my mistake. I feel regret and I have remorse. The thought of knowing I have caused you pain, when all you have ever given me is unconditional love, is a hard jagged pill to swallow. I know that my actions must have been especially devastating at your tender age, particularly knowing that you had already survived trauma, and the betrayal of abandonment by someone who had promised to be there for you.

(Explain it) I was too consumed with my feelings to consider yours. I misinterpreted being “called out” on my behavior as a threat of being “cut off” from your life. I was being dismissive because I didn’t like what I was hearing, and I didn’t know how to acknowledge a difference of opinion without admonishing it or disrespecting the person espousing it by shutting them down. I was also triggered by my own history. I unintentionally abandoned my biological children when they were young, because I was convinced that I was doing what was best for them and their mother; they then rejected having me in their life when they were older. Your family looked past my history and saw the best I had to offer as a parent and gave me a second chance with you, but I had so much anxiety and fear of loss come up when I was “called out” for being disrespectful that I projected my fears of abandonment and history repeating itself unto you and decided that walking away now would be easier than waiting for the inevitable loss to happen someday—my fear that you and your family would walk away from me.

(Tame it) Please understand that it’s more common for people in my generation, especially from the Midwest, to resolve conflict by not resolving it, just allowing time to pass, and then behaving as if nothing happened—sweep it under the rug, have a nice trip, and see you next fall. This is why I ghosted you for nine months and then sent you a birthday card with a check hoping we could just move on without ever addressing the elephant in the room, the lump under the rug—my behavior. I’m a good person, so I don’t like to be called out for my bad behavior, even when I deserve it. Remember, I’m the man who gets irritated when someone asks me how I’m feeling because I don’t like to focus on “feelings.” I realize however, that family relationships, rich with commitment, and connection are dependent on a certain degree of introspection. In order to understand our emotional triggers and the motivation for our behavior, we have to examine and convey our feelings from time to time, which can occasionally require more work than surface relationships based on polite pleasantries.

(Reframe it) If I had a do-over this is what I would have done differently: been brave enough to communicate my vulnerability—fears of being abandoned myself—and had the courage to speak the truth and admit I was carrying contempt that I wasn’t communicating and that needed to be healed. You were right to call me out and tell me that your affections could not be bought—that a reparation comes with an apology, not in the guise of a birthday check with no mention of the abandonment that proceeded it. In my day, children respected their elders and held deference toward them, even when the elder was wrong. Your generation has been taught self-respect: to question authority and stand up to any abuse of power, elder or otherwise. While it initially offended me that you set a clear boundary with me that you have no interest in a relationship with a grown man who throws temper tantrums and refuses to apologize, I was proud of you for taking care of yourself. I wouldn’t want you to be in any relationship with any man who behaved the way I did either. You were right to tell me that you needed to see a change in my behavior before you would accept me back into your life.

(Gain it) I realize now that I wasn’t personally being rejected, but that my behavior was being rejected, because allowing ourselves to be mistreated in the name of love, is not love. I’ve learned from this experience and will not make the same mistake again. Will you please forgive me and tell me how you’d like to proceed from here? I love you. I’m sorry I broke my commitment to you, walked away, and never gave you a chance for closure, or to say goodbye. I realize that we have each moved on to new normals and that it’s impossible to go back to how it used to be. I’m reaching out now because I want to heal the hurt I caused, and offer reparations.”

Give Yourself What You Need From Others And Others Will Learn How To Give You What You Deserve.

The most loving thing we can do, when someone walks away from us, is to hold the door open for them as they leave. We may feel the sting of rejection, but we cannot hold someone hostage to our love once they have moved on. We do not need to waste a moment of our lives holding space for someone who has contempt for us, and resentment of the love we give. We can let them go and be happy for them in their journey. Yes, we may feel hurt or blindsided when someone breaks a commitment to a relationship we have with them and ghosts us; but it’s in our best interest to forgive others, for our own health and peace of mind.

Oftentimes, the only way to forgive someone is to write out the apology we wished we had received. The more we read it, the better we feel. We imagine the words coming from the person we wish wrote it, and we allow ourselves to let go of resentments and embrace forgiveness so that we might find a way to move on. We can all become addicted to finding fault in others, which ultimately doesn’t serve us. That doesn’t mean we continue to accept abuse or disregard. It means that we forgive, model better behavior, and choose to spend our time with people who respect us. An effective apology can be a life-altering ray of hope and faith to carry on with either the people already in our lives or the new people we will bring into our lives.

— © Sage Justice 2022

To read the full Three-Part Series on: How to Give a Highly Effective, Heartfelt, Honest Apology in Seven Simple Steps please visit SageJustice.Substack.com and consider a paid subscription or free seven day trial.

Sage Justice, author of “Sage Words FREEDOM Book One.” If you’d like to read more pieces like this, please check out the book on Amazon, monthly articles at SageJustice.Substack.com, videos on YouTube (Sage Words: Almost Everything You Need to Know), inspiration on IG @SageWords2027, website and the podcast: Sage Words (Apple & Spotify). A like and follow on the Sage Justice, author page, on facebook is greatly appreciated. Thank you.