Reparation
Excerpts from:
How Apologies Can Heal the World, part one of a three part series.
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” … if you’re a psychopath.
There are two kinds of apologies: the “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day” apology and the “I’m sorry I’m the cause of your bad day” apology.
A true apology is an acknowledgment of the hurt caused, followed by an act of repair.
This is a brief outline of the seven simple steps of an effective apology.
1. Name it. “I did (explain what you did that you’re apologizing for).”
2. Claim it. “I was wrong.”
3. Shame it. “I know my actions hurt you, and I’m sorry for the pain I caused. I recognize my mistake. I feel regret, and I have remorse.”
4. Explain it. “I was too absorbed in my own feelings to consider yours.”
5. Tame it. “I will not make the same mistake again. If I had a do-over, this is what would I have done differently; and next time I will.”
6. Explain it. (Explain how you would do it differently).
7. Reframe it. “What action can I take to help rectify the situation, to make amends?” (Offer a reparation).
8. Gain it. “Will you please forgive me?”
Blame is the Roadblock to an Effective Apology
When we feel the need to blame others, it’s usually for one of four reasons:
1. They are not living up to our unmet expectations, which we failed to communicate, or they failed to commit to. That’s on us. We can choose to communicate our expectations or choose to address and not accept their lack of commitment.
2. We are judging them by our standards or based on erroneous information or gossip. That’s also on us. Why are we judging other people? If we don’t like someone, we don’t have to engage with them. Judging is on us.
3. They did something thoughtless, because humans are imperfect beings, and their lack of consideration hurt our feelings. Their thoughtlessness is on them. Learning to either accept them for who they are, grow together through change, or move on from the relationship, is on us.
4. They did something to intentionally cause us harm, because they have contempt for us or resentment toward us. This is 100% on them; and if we stay in a dysfunctional, petty, and abusive relationships like this, it’s 100% on us.
One of the best tools for life, that we can learn, is to let go of blaming others, take radical responsibility for our own actions, and learn how to give an effective apology.
Why Apologies Matter
The mark of spiritual evolution and human mastery is recognizing our mistakes and correcting them. When we take responsibility for our mistakes, we no longer feel the need to defend them. We are conditioned to blame others to defend our poor choices or bad behavior. When we stop feeling the need to defend ourselves, we often stop feeling the need to blame or control others. Much of the harm caused in the world today stems from a need to shift blame, or overpower others to feel a sense of control. If people were to practice the art of the apology and find peace in their imperfect humanity, and empowerment in taking ownership to change, perhaps their need to blame and punish others would diminish. I see the apology as one of many ingredients in the salve to mending most of the issues I’ve written about including: income inequality, gun rights/control, and reproductive/medical freedoms. Shame breeds in the darkness of unspoken words of accountability that are in search of forgiveness. Knowing how to apologize can remove shameful feelings and as a result, shameful behaviors—leading to a happier, healthier, more healed society.
— © Sage Justice 2022
To read the full Three-Part Series on: How to Give a Highly Effective, Heartfelt, Honest Apology in Seven Simple Steps please visit SageJustice.Substack.com and consider a paid subscription or free seven day trial.
Sage Justice, author of “Sage Words FREEDOM Book One.” If you’d like to read more pieces like this, please check out the book on Amazon, monthly articles at SageJustice.Substack.com, videos on YouTube (Sage Words: Almost Everything You Need to Know), inspiration on IG @SageWords2027, website and the podcast: Sage Words (Apple & Spotify). A like and follow on the Sage Justice, author page, on facebook is greatly appreciated. Thank you.